Musings
by a.loner
Summary: the troubled thoughts of a Teen Titan...
1. Chapter 1

Yeah, he is everybody's hero. Especially Starfire's. And lately, Raven too. What's there not to like? He was handsome and smart. He even got the whole mysterious guy factor going on with that mask of his. To top it all off, he was also the perfect gentleman. The only thing that I could say that was a bad trait was his obsession with his work. Even then, that could always be substituted for dedication. He wasn't the leader of the Titans for nothing.

Cyborg was too cool to care about stuff like this. If it ain't about crime or car rims or meat, he ain't going to pay attention for long. But it bothers me that Raven was becoming a member of the Robin fan club too. Ever since that whole incident with her dad, she had become noticeably nicer to him. She didn't hesitate to give me an extra smacking for interrupting one of Robin's speeches. 'To keep the idiot in line'. Yeah, that's the reason and it's Raven I'm talking about, of course she gets away with everything. That's part of the perks of being all dark and mysterious. Not creepy. Never creepy.

Thinking back of that time I did call her that never fails to bring down my spirit like that U-2 bomber the Russians shot down during the Cold War. Hah! You can close your mouth there, dude. I make bad jokes. That doesn't classify me as stupid.

But it does make me an idiot. An idiot who tried too hard.

As I got older, I tried to be better. Stronger. Live up to Mento's expectations. Robin's expectations. Raven? Oh, she didn't have any expectations of me. Yeah I know; it hurts more than you know. When we have training I know that I'm better now. I'm faster. More agile. I even enrolled in Jump City Community College to learn more about zoology, in disguise of course. And in secret; both from the school and the Titans.

Because of that, I had to juggle my load. It was an organiser's nightmare but I pulled it off after some difficulty. Raven never hesitated to rip me a new one when I came down training late. It's like she has a book in her room that says '101 ways to insult your teammate'. Nah, I was joking; 101 is way too little.

But I do get some satisfaction when I did something exceptional. Stop with that eyebrow raising. I told you, I'm not stupid. I once beat Robin in a little hand to hand. No powers. Just you and your body. Everyone even Robin congratulated me and at that moment I really thought I was special in a good way. Until she spoke.

"That is some good rabbit's foot you got there, Beast Boy."

Rabbit's foot? Come on! I would have thought an EMPATH of all people would know how to be sensitive to someone like me about stuff like that. Still, it didn't excuse my behaviour one bit. Lashing out at Raven was even worse than turning into the Beast. I don't think she'd ever forgive me.

Well long story short, things just went sort of downhill between the two of us. It's not like we don't try but each time one of us tries to apologise (namely, me), something just happens to interrupt. Be it the alarm, any of the other Titans or just plain cold feet. I always hurt the ones I love. The more I love them the greater the hurt. What about my parents? None of your business. I guess it's safe to say that I care for Raven more than anything. Yeah, even tofu but I'm being serious right now. It's not that hard to be when you realise the girl you love's got the hots for someone else.

Come on, you can't actually be wondering who it is. Who else can it be? So what if Starfire's his girl? She can still look and dream, right?

It was that moment where I knew my heart can't get anymore mangled. That day was pretty much standard; us beating the bad guys up. They had powers, duh. The police won't call us otherwise because supervillains need superheroes to be dealt with right? Well anyway, they can control weather stuff like fire, water, and air. Also the ground. I particularly hate that guy. Well the dude that could control fire managed to get a cheap shot at Raven. I took care of him. Nothing like a good douse of water to cool you down. When I got to Raven, she was barely conscious. It really took me everything not to get all Beast with that bastard that took her down. At that moment I was actually afraid that she wouldn't make it. Maybe that's why I didn't correct her. If she knew who was really holding her. Shielding her. She would have been so disgusted with her herself.

"Thanks Robin, you're always there for me."

And I said, "No problem."


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry I'm late. There was a hold up at the bank. The police are getting sloppy and coming from me; that's saying something. I know, I know. I'm sorry I can't help it. Try living in a tower full of geniuses and overachievers and you'll get my drift. Me? What about me? Sure I can turn into animals…big whoop. Yeah, even the make-believe ones. Yeah and I can, like, change one part of my body into something animal while the rest of me stays human, well, as human as I can be in this colour. Yeah I got enhanced senses too but how did you know?

What?

Heh, say you've got a point. I do have these cool powers going on. I don't know but living with the Titans doesn't make you special 'cause everyone's got powers too you know? Except Robin, of course. But he's got Batman as his Mr Miyagi. That's got to count for something right? Ha-ha…yeah, I can't imagine that too; Batman going all 'wax on, wax off'.

What's my problem? How can you not see what's my problem? Of course it is; how can it not be? Dude, he's like the leader and stuff but he doesn't have to act like a jerk twenty-four/ seven, does he? Well, yeah I admit I can be a douche sometimes…dude now you're sounding just like Raven. C'mon you don't have to say it to imply it. For the gajillionth time already; stop raising your eyebrows like that. I'm not stupid, okay?

Yeah, it would help if you don't remind me of her. Thank you very much.

I'm sorry. My outburst was uncalled for. It's been a bad day…heh, yeah with me every day is I suppose. Of course she ripped me a new one. When hasn't she? Yeah and she had the cheek to offer to make some tea for 'Oh, Fearless Leader' to help him calm down. When that didn't work, she offered to teach him some meditation techniques as well. Hmph, somebody's going all the way to be a good friend. Wish she'd show to those that matter…Starfire doesn't suspect a thing. She's like that you know? Sweet and innocent. Believe it or not I'm happy for the two of them. I frankly think the two need each other. Just like me and Raven? Dude, are you high? Never mind, I don't even want to know.

It would help if she's nicer and if she gives me a chance to show her that I can be more than what she thinks of me. Thing is, that ain't going to happen anytime soon. Not with the way we treat each other at the moment. I know I have my own issues to deal with but she doesn't look like she's doing her part. It doesn't like she wants to either. Not with her sights on Bird Boy. Nah, Cy wouldn't understand. He tends to side with reason a.k.a . everybody else except me. No, I'm not being all self-pity. Okay, so what if I am? It's not like anybody cares. You? Well I guess I can say that you care…but you're different.

I do. I do care about the team and her especially. I suppose she does care in her own pseudo-abusive way. But a little civil-ness wouldn't hurt you know? Why do I care about her in that way? I don't know. Maybe it's because deep down I know she can actually be pleasant. Her behaviour with Robin shows that.

I just don't understand why she can be so uncompromising towards me. I've never deceived her. Never ill-treated her with no good reason. Never took advantage of her. I'd do anything to make her smile. To laugh. To tell her she's perfect just the way she is. Who cares who her father is? I know I don't. No, it's none of you business either. Yeah I was annoying when we were younger. But I'm different now. It's not just me that's saying it either. Yes, different in a good way. Sheesh, even you have doubts.

Uh-huh, yeah I remember. I should have given up but something about her always makes me come back. I don't know. Nah, I don't think it's her powers doing anything. It's her being her.

Starfire's great. Of course she's hot. Dude she shoots stuff from her hands that can melt a diamond. Yeah I guess she's kind of pretty. Sorry, I don't think of her that way. Because unlike some people, I know when to keep off somebody's girlfriend. Besides she's like a sister to me and I don't want to see her get hurt.

Star's probably the only one that's nice to me without second thoughts. Cy can come in second. You'd think she's nice to everyone with that bubbly attitude of hers but believe me that girl can hold a grudge if she wants to. Don't ask. Let's just say I've experienced it before. But if someone were to say why I couldn't go for someone like Star I'd say I have no idea. This is assuming Star's single which she isn't by the way. Maybe I'm getting way ahead of myself. Maybe I'm deluding myself but as far as I can see, so is Raven and she is in no position to tell me off about it.

Yeah that was the R-cycle driving past. Hold on, my comm's beeping…yeah? Hey ya, Rob. Nothing, man I'm just chilling. We did just bust a robbery. What? Training's in an hour? C'mon man, give me a break. I did break your record to prove it. So what? So it means that you need more training not me. Don't go busting my balls just because your ego got bruised…oh, hey Raven. Me and Robin were just having a little chat. Look it's been a tiring day for all of us. Why don't I get us all some pizza and we'll all chill for the rest of the day. I'll even do double training tomorrow. You listening, Rob?

What? Oh, so now I'm just a worm-tongue out to sleaze my way out of training? You got some nerve, Raven. Well I'm not the one who just stood there as a bullet comes my way waiting for, quote, 'an immature ball of fur' to save my ass and not even asking him if the bullet that grazed his hip isn't hurting too much. Oh now I'm being a baby? And why are you taking her side Robin?

Sorry about that. Just a team discussion. Nah, that's not Raven riding pillion. Even she wouldn't dare. Not yet anyway. She's flying. It's okay. I'm quite used to it.


	3. Chapter 3

Are you serious? But...why? I mean yeah, we don't have the best of relationships and she is more likely to hurl me out into the bay than eat some of my tofu but what you're suggesting is ridiculous. I would ask if you're possessed but that would be offensive to some people I know. Who? None of your business.

Sigh.

Sorry again. I don't mean to sound so harsh. Thanks for understanding. You know if you weren't paid by the hour I would even consider you a friend. Yeah, I know. You're my friend. I'm your friend. We're all friends. C'mon let's sing a little 'Kumbaya'.

Sorry.

Yeah, it's that bad. I didn't expect this from her. Ever. I don't know how Star's takes it. So far she's taking it as well as a Tamaranian can. How? Haha, you didn't miss that hole on the Tower, did you? Trust me, she is taking it well. You don't wanna see a pissed Tamaranian.

Huh? Oh well, what's there to say? The team ain't never being the same. Kudos to all the RobRae fans; you people got what you wanted. Even breaking a happy home to get it...I'm not ranting. I'm just stating the facts. Oh yeah, so you're the expert now? Well you are but you don't know everything. Neither does me of course but I sure as hell know more than you do about this.

What the heck is that supposed to mean? 'Not impartial'? Well I have you know that I have all the partial I need to judge those two. Look at him; leaving a loving relationship to a nice, beautiful girl who want nothing more than his love. His right?

THEN WHAT ABOUT KORY'S RIGHTS?

So I'm just supposed to sit down and discuss my feelings? This is bullshit, we need to switch places. He struts around in his mask and his cape and his stick. Everything he does is right because he's the leader. It doesn't matter that behind that Colgate smile is a rotten apple core. He's only nice when he needs to be not when he wants to be. Oh yeah, take his side. You're the voice of reason aren't you? And he's the poster boy of reason. All efficiency. All dedication. The epitome of human achievement. Holding his own amidst a throng of freaks.

Hate him? Of...course I do. For what he did. For what he has become. For what he has made her become...

No...It's all him. She wouldn't do something like this. I know her. Better than anyone ever can. She's not like that. She's been manipulated by that dick who thinks he's incorruptible, infallible.

Are you making fun of me? Well, it sounded like you are and I know when people are making fun of me. If there's something I'm good at, it's that.

Okay, apology accepted but you still have to explain yourself. What? Of course I wanna hear it and it's none of your business whether I can handle it or not. I'm serious. Dude I'm almost twenty. I can handle it. What? You think I can't handle the truth? Try me, then. Quit stalling, will 'ya? How well do I know her? Pretty god damn well, I suppose…sorry no French. I forgot.

Well you know, we've known each other since the Titans were formed. She was all insecure because of her powers and shit. Back then, I sort of felt something for her. I don't think it was love, I'm not that melodramatic. But it was more than just a friendly feeling. I wanted to see her smile again that smile of hers. It was so small, so private. It was like those moments when a king would go out of his castle and throw out gold to the people or something like that. It was something to look forward to but it didn't happen often.

I just felt that she needed help. For what? None of your business. All you need to know is that she needed help and I wanted to be the one who helped her. I wanted to be the one who understand her. The one she could depend on for anything. The one she knows she could give her smile to.

Hey you're stalling again with all this questions, don't think I don't know. I'm way smarter than what most people give me credit for. Yeah, I'm sure I am.

Yeah, so that sort of became my side mission for everything; getting Rae to smile. She smiled at that one joke so I figured I'd give her enough jokes, she'll always smile for me. No it didn't. Instead, things got bad then worse between us. She always seemed to throw me out of windows and give me wedgies and shit. Call me a sucker for punishment but if it makes her happy then I'll be her crash dummy anytime…

What?

Whoa I came here for help and you're dissing me? Hey if I wanted that I'll just go back home…what the hell are you talking about? Of course it's my home. If you think its Dayton Manor you're plain nuts. No way am I going back there. Maybe for Christmas but that's a big maybe…it's not? Then what? Where's my home then?

Yeah right.

You're saying my home's a continent away.

Hmm…

You've got a point but I can't just go back there, I got a life over here. Well on days when I'm not saving your collective asses I guess I'll be training, playing computer games with Tin Can and trying to get her to smile. Well…I don't think that far ahead. Live for the moment, you know? Carpet dime.

Hey don't you roll your eyes at me.

That's it? You're giving me a book? I only read comics, dude. Fine, fine…'Conference of the Birds' by some Arab dude…fine, fine Persian. Whatever, sheesh. FHey I'm showing respect. I haven't thrown it away. Why should I read it? Right, my problem solved in this one book. You're not trying to convert me are you? Ha-ha you're an atheist? That's like the biggest irony ever. Okay-okay. The next time we meet? But it's a thick book…hey I can read. I just don't feel like reading that's all. Oh yeah, I so can read faster than you. Hah, I'll come earlier and tell ya all about. Yeah that's right.

Fine…what a bit-…Nothing!


End file.
